Day 15 – Chimp with a Gun
My apology, if an apology is required, is for letting the genie out of the bottle. My moral standpoint on the apology is that to say you are sorry means – Given the choice, and if you could do it again, you would do or say things differently. Only this is a true apology. If you were to add “I would do the same again” it is not an apology at all, and in fact this is worse as you now know that your actions or words will cause offence. An apology, a real apology, has regret. The process is complicated by the fact that I do not trust another people’s recollection of events. The odd times that I can remember certain events, and I have been asked to apologise for them, I remember them differently and stand by my actions. This is my conceit. No, if I have to apologise for anything it is for giving the gun to the chimp in the first place. I know that when I decide to drink that mayhem will possibly ensue. The only way I can truly apologise to anyone or everyone I have ever drunkenly upset is to never drink again. My apology is that I regret getting drunk to a state where brutal honesty, mischief making, and a devil may care attitude is possible. That, if I had my time again I would choose not to drink rather than upset the people I have. As I write these words and as they are unfolding in front of me I am thinking of what that means…my heart is racing and my hands are trembling. The terrifying conclusion is that the only apology I can make is to never drink again….Never.
My intention of writing this book was to kill Him off; that this book would exorcise any demons I may have and be rid of Him. I fear that I cannot kill Him off sufficiently. Perhaps that is my panic, my anxiety. My hope was that at the end of this journey I would come out the other end “normal” or at least “normalish”. If I don’t then Never it will have to be.
“Oh God, let me understand myself”