Day 25 – Chasing yourself down a rabbit hole
If I was to venture down the rabbit hole I could probably venture that the incident with my father did have significant consequences. I know that I did not feel loved as a child and wonder if something didn’t start there. Shunning physical contact with my parents for fear of reprisals left me feeling emotionally distant, unloved and betrayed. I can remember a few years later that my dad had asked me to go to the shops with him. I don’t remember feeling that this was unusual at the time but thinking about it now it was unusual as my mum did the shopping. When we got to the end of the street there was a car parked and a bloke shouted out “Want a lift?”, I didn’t recognise the man but my Dad introduced him and they appeared to be friends. My dad said yes to the lift and told me to get in the back of the car and opened the door for me. I remember I was very scared to get in the car and stood statue still. I thought that the lift might be a ruse and that my father had plotted with the man to get rid of me, send me back to the orphanage or to another family. I wonder now why I was not thrilled to be adopted by another family or even find shelter in an orphanage away from a father and mother who didn’t love me? Because I still loved them. I am crying as I write this, but not for myself but for that little boy.